I just posted a link to this blog on my Facebook. The thumbnail shows the first few sentences of my last post, in which I talk about finally getting on a scale. So now everyone on my Facebook knows how much I weigh. Hmm... I'm not sure right now if that makes me a badass or a dubmass.

I'm gonna go with badass.

In other news.

I finally sucked up my fear and got on a scale at the gym. 262 pounds, which means my crappy IKEA scale is off. But then what did I expect for $3?

Shut up and run.

I've heard people say they like to exercise because it gives them time to think, or to workout frustrations/agressions. Personally I find thinking while exercising to be very distracting. When I started running last spring I had this mantra- shut up and run. Because the minute my feet hit the pavement the chatter would start in my brain. Wondering if I looked silly, being annoyed by the strap on my sports bra that WILL NOT stay up on my shoulder, wondering what I should eat for lunch, wondering if this was EVER going to get any easier, and on and on and on. It was really hard to get into the flow with all that noise. And then one day I just told myself "Shut up and run." And it was amazing, like everything went quiet and I ran. I recall it being a good run that day.

Most days I am able to keep that mindset going. No thinking. Just breathing. Just zone out, enjoy the music on my mp3 player, just go. But today my thoughts got the better of me. I was running on a treadmill downtown. And week 3 of C25K was rather killing me and I was looking out the window at Orchestra Hall and my mind wandered and I thought about my brother's funeral. In the middle of my dad's eulogy he played a recording of a classical piano piece Pete had written. When it was finished everyone applauded. Hundreds of people. And I started thinking again how I should have been hearing that applause at someplace like Orchestra Hall, not his damn funeral. And my throat got tight and I was choking back tears which made that really hard training session just that much harder. I cried the whole way home on the bus, thankfully hidden behind an enormous pair of sunglasses.

Next time I have to remember to just shut up and run.

Biking is a pain!

So I've already posted about how riding the spin bikes for Cycle to the Movies class makes my butt because of the terrible seats. Well the big fancy computerized bikes in the cardio area at the gym have much better seats. But for some reason, after about 15 minutes on those bikes my feet will start to go numb.

I did 45 minutes of cardio today, split between ellipticals and bikes and it was the most boring workout ever. I cannot wait for the snow to melt.

Just got home...

...and I am freaking exhausted. That extra 15 minutes did me in.

Perhaps tonight I will finally get some decent sleep.

Upping the ante.

I am so glad I took a rest day yesterday. When I went out for that walk to get coffee beans I realized that in addition to all my other pain, my left knee was seriously out of whack. Ow. I'm feeling much better today.

This week I am increasing all my cardio sessions by 15 minutes. I usually do my 30 minutes and scoot out of the gym as fast as I can. (been a member over a year and still don't feel like I belong there) Today when I go do my C25K run, I'm going to do 15 minutes on the bikes after. In another couple of weeks I will up it to an hour total. Then I pretty much dare my pants to stay tight.

I also dusted off the old 8 Minute Abs and Arms DVD. Cheesy as they are, it's easy to squeeze in those mini workouts on my breaks and I really need to do some core and upper body work. I plan to do them daily.

My other goal this week is to drink more water. I keep a Brita pitcher in the fridge and have a mug of water next to me all day. But I think I maybe only drink 40oz a day. It needs to be more than that.

I am suffering from an extreme case of "don't wanna" today. I'm probably just tired.
I'm really not sleeping well.

Wah...

I hurt all over today. All. Over. Arms. Shoulders. Legs. Back. Ass.

My original plan for today was to get up this morning and go to the gym for a run. Then walk home (little over a mile) and stop by Starbucks on the way for good coffee beans so I could enjoy some french press.

I was already planning on tomorrow being my "rest day". I suppose that it's no big deal if I skip the gym today instead. All the experts and websites always say not to overdo it, to listen to your body, blah, blah, blah. And today my body is definitely screaming at me.

But I feel like if I skip my workout today- even though I am in pain, even though I know I will run tomorrow, and even though I will still walk for all my errands this morning (which are in completely opposite directions so it's plenty of walking)- I still feel like I'm being a slacker. Like I'm just making excuses.

Made it!!!

I decided to take another crack at Cycle to the Movies. This week they were showing It Happened One Night. It was a cute movie, and I actually got to see all of it. I thought I was going to lose it a couple of times, my butt hurt so bad from the uncomfortable seats. But I just kept plugging away.

I am immensely pleased with myself today.

Stoopid scale...

The last 3 weeks I have made a concerted effort to not eat crap. I'm not so much "dieting" as I just wanted to change all the bad habits that sort of crept into my routine the last few months. No more sodas. No more greasy breakfast sandwiches. No more living on fattening delivery food.

The last few weeks has been all about whole grains and fruit and lean protein. And honestly right now I miss the cigarettes more than the pizza and Mountain Dew.

But 3 weeks of healthy eating and regular workouts and... just no results. Pants still tight. I have been to the gym 8 times already this month. And I don't have a car so I do a lot of walking in addition to my scheduled workouts. (and with all the snow on the ground, walking anywhere is no easy task!)

This whole project is not really about losing weight so much as it's about being healthy. But I admit I really want to at least lose the pounds I've put on since my brother died. If anything because I am officially the heaviest I've ever been and I don't want to go buy bigger pants.

Sigh...

In other news...

C25K week 2 day 2 today. It went quite well in spite of my extreme lack of desire to exercise.

ARG!

I can't even begin to explain how badly I want a cigarette right now.

For the most part I quit years ago. 3, maybe 4 now. I don't really remember. But every now and then I would still sneak one at a party. Or more than one when some guy or another broke my heart. But usually it would make me feel like shit and I would not get hooked again.

But then my brother died and I strarted smoking again in earnest. Not just smoking. I started really enjoying it. Really. Enjoying.

I had my last cigarette on Sunday. After getting back from the gym. I swore I was done. I was not buying another pack. It was time to get serious about the tri, and smoking is entirely counter to my efforts.

But damn I still want one.

So bad.

Bike dread.

Last weekend I took my first cycle class at the gym. It was called "Cycle to the Movies". It seemed like a fun idea- ride bikes in the spin studio while watching a movie. Nice, relaxing Saturday workout. Honestly I would have done anything to get out of going to one more Bodyflow class. (a torturous combination Tai Chi, Yoga and Pilates, and I SUCK at it) But I only lasted an hour into the the 2 hour movie. Not because I wore out, but because my BUTT HURT! Seriously, how do people stay on thier bikes for hours at a time? I don't get it.

Since I ran yesterday I was thinking I should do the bikes today when I hit the gym. But I am kinda dreading it. I'm still kinda sore from the weekend. I would so much rather go running again.

What kind of world am I living in when running is my workout of choice?

Today I completed day 1, week 2 of C25K. It's going really well. Of course I'm running on a treadmill which is way easier than running outdoors. But I just started.

Even though I suck at running I kinda love it. I love how I feel when I finish a run (ok right now it's still a run/walk). I feel like Wonder Woman. All tough and sassy.

I think starting next week I am going to add 15 minutes on the bikes after every run.

And so it begins.

So... where to start. Last spring I got this crazy idea to try running and got roped into doing a 5k. I am the least athletic person you will ever meet, so the idea of running at all much less in a race was pretty hilarious. But I had been trying for a while to get in better shape so I figured why not. I did the 5k and it was so fun! Even though I totally sucked. (48 or so minutes, which is about a 16 minute mile) For me it was not about getting an awesome time, but more about proving to myself I could do it at all.

Well the 5k was so fun that I got this crazy idea to do a triathlon. To be more specific, the YWCA women's triathlon. Which is here in Minneapolis in August. About six months from now.

I am starting at a huge disadvantage. For one thing, I am WELL over 250 pounds. Not sure what I weight at the moment, as my crappy IKEA scale only goes up to 266 and I amscared to weight myself at the gym. I just don't want to know. Even at my height of 5'7", that is really overweight. I'm also coming back from almost 2 months of not working out. My brother died right after Thanksgiving and I kinda stopped working out and started eating a lot of junk. Before he passed away I'd made it to the gym at least 12 times a month for a solid year (except for that one month when I had surgery). In the tail end of January I started making it back to the gym again. But I'm defnitely not where I was when I ran my 5k on Halloween. (I was hovering around 248 then)

So maybe I'm crazy, and maybe I'm a total masochist but I am not going to let all that stop me. I started 'official' training on Feb.1. Well, official for me. I'm not working with a trainer or anything. For the next couple months my plan is to complete the Couch to 5k running program to get used to running again. And also to do lots of swimming and biking on my non-running days.

It's winter here in Minnesota, so most of this stuff is going to be done in the gym until the snow goes away. I already can't wait to be running outside.